Even Though You Know It's a Matter of Time ...

... it never fails to knock the wind out of you when it happens.

Two years ago I did a grade 2 LTO at the school I'm at now. I was working with a teacher who had just come back from mat leave. In December of that year she found out she had cancer. Right before her 30th birthday. She took a leave and went for treatment and was back at work within a few months. Things seemed to be looking up and we were all optimistic that the treatment was successful.

I was hired permanently at the same school the following year and she was back as well. She started to feel in pain and our worst fears were realized. The cancer had spread. She took a leave again for more treatment and this time the leave was indefinite.

I found out this morning that she had passed away. I knew it was coming ... she was at her last stretch. At first I didn't really react ... just gave a kind of knowing nod. But then when I was told that she died with a smile on her face, with her entire family .... husband, 3 year old daughter ... father ... sister ... surrounding her ... I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. I cried and I couldn't stop.

Right before prayer, the principal announced it over the PA system ... I tried to keep it together because my kids were in the class but I couldn't. I cried .... right in front of them. As they just looked at me with awe I suppose. And I was going through the morning ... all the while crying. And my kids were understanding. They gave me space. They let me cry. They didn't question it or whisper about it with their peers. And I thought that was so great of them.

One of my students asked me why I was sad. When I told him it was because of the teacher ... he just nodded his head as if to say "I'm so sorry."

I didn't know her very well ... yes we worked together but not for a long period of time. Even so she's always been in my heart and in my thoughts. I always think about her. I remember the first time she went for treatment I gave her a bag full of books so that she wouldn't be too bored at home. I know she appreciated that. There are teachers in the school who she's worked with for a longer period of time and had shared a friendship beyond the school. I cannot believe how strong they were. I knew the sadness and the heavy heart they were carrying inside ... but wow did they ever show their strength. That can't have been easy for them.

I don't know what else to say. It's not fair.